Why am I Hard to Commit to?

commitment: the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. -Oxford Languages Online

Why when it comes down to the greauxth and expansion of ourselves does it seem like it’s complicated? I’ve seen a viral video of a woman name multiple things including, but not limited to deep conditioning, calling parents, get a great job, maintain healthy friendships, loving relationship, vacation, pay bills on time, credit score, etc, etc. In the same breath can make time to do everything for everyone else’s fulfillment. It makes me wonder why is choosing you so hard? Also, why is choosing you seemingly so bad? You can find solutions to everyone else’s problems, but can’t pick up and do anything for your own. I have started to ask myself, “What’s your issue with me?” Clearly there’s an underlying issue causing me to keep myself in a box of cycles and disappointments be it friendships and relationships, commitments in the gym and prioritizing my time, and be it managing my resources. I just know something has to give and something has to change, or me surviving that car wreck in jr high or coming home safely while the country was voting on if we stayed in Iraq and the that missile coming to halt my mission being shot down was in vein. Sounds dramatic I know, but what’s the gift of more life if you aren’t fulfilled in it? I think about all the things I want to do and should be doing… Just like y’all like to say “divine timing” or “God’s timing, but I swear God is like the time was last year and now I need her to show me she’s ready. Y’all can say that’s not how God work, but I swear I’ve had the ball and dropped it right when the 3mins were almost up. I just couldn’t trust or believe in myself, my faith, my decisions, and honestly My God…. I got so low why would he care about me? I’ve ran from My purpose why would he trust me? I’ve done things I’m not proud of so why should God honor me?  Because it’s me… I’m the only one able to do this job even if I don’t believe it. Even if I can’t see it when I look in the mirror. Even if I don’t look or feel the part. Even if i can’t find the words to say it’s me. One thing I do know is once I’m on track I’m running, and once I start talking I won’t stop. I just can’t understand though knowing all that, why am I still scared ?

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“Cause I'm a black belt when I'm beating up on myself. But I'm an expert at giving love to somebody else”

-Demi Lovato x I Love Me

Photo found on https://www.pinterest.com/JostyBell/