The Release

***Raw and Unedited***

I've wondered how losing a person you loved could shape you. How it changes and rearranges you.. How it makes you scared of opening up again and being free and going with the flow. How it makes you timid and fearful, always thinking a person is out to get you. It makes you worried...Feeling like a broken record, glass, that everyone's scared to work with.. It's not even that you're too this and too that you're just nervous, not wanting to rock the boat to push them away.

Six years ago I never thought I would lose someone so close to me, without expressing how I felt. Without even calming the storm between us....Then death took you, and it felt like my heart shattered. I wouldn't get to see you again and make amends,,, I didn't think my last time seeing you would be in a casket saying my goodbyes. I was shook I cried and cried I lost focus, really aiding in my demise.. Using people emotionally to fill something that I needed to work on my own being clouded in blackness, but forever holding a smile.

Now I don't blame this for my failed situations and possible relationships; I blame myself for pretending like losing someone that close doesn't affect me. Like It makes me want reassurance they'll be there tomorrow, safe calm, and still interested. I allowed myself to accept anything... Knowing for sure my old self would be like, "I like you and all, but i don't have to deal with this!!" Now that we are here I realized that I still didn't learn that I can't hold how I feel in. That makes me now be too forward in a bad way lol.... Like in a new situation lol I'm probably running this man off trying to show him I'm interested because I don't think I showed him at first.. It also makes me seem cold and closed off truly, quick and ready to walk away!! THE GHETTO!!!

I am allowing me to be, and going with the flow!!